Sorry for the meagre blogging

from me, i would blab on about what thrilling things i have been doing, but in truth i have been spending my time lurking about in woods acting as a photography assistant to lola and working in a shitty high street shoe chain.

In this post I'd like to draw your attention to Tracyanne Campbell from the Glasgow based band Camera Obscura. Not only do I think her music is pretty neat, but i think her clothes are pretty hot too. Bowing to the trend, I'll use the format of a list.

p.s. in the group pictures, Tracyanne is the one with darker hair.

1. Tracyanne has a sharp, blunt haircut. This enables her to wear more feminine clothes without succumbing to twee, and this is something which at times i tread the line of myself. Cutesy she ain't.



2. She has a penchant for vintage dresses, but not the cliche kind, but the type your gran might actually have worn. Somehow, with her bob, she looks 'ugly but in a good way'. I know what I'm talking about, look at the pictures, yeah?



3. She sometimes wears boyish clothes, or actual mens clothes, and I love that. Men's tee shirts are always a better fit, mens jeans and chinos look cute in an "I just slung these on because I found them on the floor, but i still look hot" way. And breton t shirts should be a wardrobe staple for days when you want to channel someone hot and french, be it lou dillon or edith piaf.



Again, this is by Molly.

LISTHAY LOHAN

1.One or two lucky men can go shirtless in the summer and look like a 70s rock icon holidaying in Marrakech. The rest of you will doubtless look like builders from Peckham.

2.Natural fibres for a bag are fantastic when you’re not really into chavvy Fendi knockoffs and you’re not exactly working on a Marc Jacobs budget. You can get a Hessian tote with leather handles for about five quid, and no-one is really sure whether you’re a wealthy minimalist or your sole income is five hours a week at Sainsburys and whatever your Nan sends in your birthday card.

3.I sincerely hope no-one is still shopping in the “Young Trend” section of H&M anymore, as the only “trend” I can discern is “things I bought in Tesco when I was eight”.

4.Do not be sucked in by a ridiculous, unwearable catwalk trend unless you are actually a model. The other day I caught myself looking thoughtfully at those pristine-white nursing clogs so favoured by the over-65s. Thankyou, Viktor and Rolf.

5.A sharp indigo is the only acceptable colour for blue jeans, unless they have a particularly 70s cut which lends itself to a faded wash. The bootcut is so unfashionable that someone needs to bring it back, as while with heels it looks a little “mum’s night out” it looks great forming a puddle of denim around a flat ballet pump. Personally, I’m not a blue jeans girl.

6.Glossy PVC – especially in a crinkled finish – is set to be everywhere when the weather gets colder, but wear it as a jacket or trench only for fear of looking like Trent sodding Reznor from Nine Inch Nails and suggesting to everyone who survived the 90s that you want to “fuck them like an animal”.

7.Large designer logos – preferably fake as a wedding cake – are the Lindsay Lohan of the accessory world, both stylish and fun in incredibly small doses because they’re so unashamedly trashy.

8.I wore white linen trousers last night in an attempt to get over my fear of the devil’s summer fabric, and my friend Gabriel chirruped “My mum has some of those”. Try not to be put off by such cutting remarks – if someone’s mother has something and you still think it’s relevant you can always bullshit your way into calling it a “classic”.

9.If you are bored with women’s high-street clothing, move onto menswear. Although normally I would be scathing about Topman, I have just discovered the delights of their button-up baseball t-shirt. Undone to reveal the collarbones and sheer enough to show the ghost of a bra or nipple, it looks terrific hanging off a manorexic frame or a slender female one alike.

10.Oh I don’t know. Handbags and that.


Images:Catwalk fashion that might look a wee bit silly in the supermarket; Lindsay Lohan –she actually does want to fuck you like an animal; Pharrell and some label-heavy Vuitton bags (I ran out of things to search on google image)

OH MY GOSH

Having realised that the last entry was uncharacteristically serious I have deleted it in favour of some more of the kind of unstructured fluff that people might actually read. You might have noticed that I sometimes publish entries and then later remove them on a whim; get used to it, shitcorpse. To the best of my knowledge Molly has never deleted one of her entries, so you can count on her not to be a prima donna – I will continue to churn out my worthless and unfounded opinions and delete them with a well-placed curse when I please. Today the ubiquitous list is about four people who influence the way I dress. Enjoy it while it’s there.


1.Karl Lagerfeld.I have spent the last few months slowly eliminating colour from my wardrobe, and it was the best decision I ever made. Nothing says “I used to be slightly rotund and now I’m thin and severe and maybe just that little bit too resentful about my flabby past” like an entirely black and white ensemble. This statement may be just as true of myself as it is of Lagerfeld – frankly, you’ll never know – but his predictably smart silhouette has made a definate impact on my taste. Most notably he has taken Coco Chanel’s foolproof formula of a black dress and a mountain of costume jewellery to another slightly bonkers level by adding skulls, crosses and – Lord love him – enough plastic surgery to make him look stuffed. I might refrain from channelling his chin.

2.Jean Shrimpton. Less boyish and plain than Twiggy and less petulant than Edie Sedgwick, Jean Shrimpton lent a shabby air to her waifish frame with too-large sweatshirts and trenchcoats held tightly closed with tiny wrists. Her heavy, eye-skimming fringe and long hair often look as though they have been artfully tousled by a fairly tame and uneventful roll in the hay. At this point I am so desperate for my hair to grow out of its passé Mary Quant bob that I have googled “make hair grow faster” more than once in the past week. Shame on me.

3.Andy Warhol. The little albino homo that could, Warhol’s signature style of striped t-shirts, dark glasses and leather jacket looks good on almost anyone, and being deathly pale myself I have no choice but to follow his lead. Warhol was something of a foot-fetishist and kept many worn-out pairs of his own shoes, some of which were drizzled with paint from his iconic portraits. I would love to have some Jackson-Pollack style shoes, but despite being at art school I am a terrible painter, and would rather not spatter them on purpose for fear of looking like an affected twat.

4.Brigitte Bardot. A woman with all of the sex appeal Jean Shrimpton lacks, I find her signature makeup – the bubblegum lips and heavy, feline eyeliner – the easiest way to turn from scabby to glamorous, or at the very least halfway between the two. Her style of dress was typically French – stripes, capris, loafers and the ubiquitous fag – but she knew how to make it appear feminine and give it va-va-voom in the way that only a true sex icon can. One of the reasons I chose to put her here is that she taught me that having slightly goofy front teeth can be extremely sexy. Of course, it helps that not many of us can fill out a boat-neck sweater like Bardot (without the help of a very good bra, some very good knickers, or both at the same time and a great deal of vision).

I could go on and on, but I’m sure you’d rather look at the pictures. To recap, you have learnt that I may or may not have been a chubby child, that I have goofy front teeth, that I am incredibly pale and that I can’t paint. Brilliant.

Images:The many faces of Karl Lagerfeld; The Shrimp; Andy Warhol's "Style"; The "Bardot neck" 's namesake.

RULES FOR HOT WEATHER.

(OKAY, so we fucked up again with the posting. It's by Molly, not Lola, blah blah blah. We're not Bill Gates, and we're still not totally great with this "blogging" thing.)

1. The minimum amount of clothes in not necessarily the coolest option. Cropped tops and hotpants look awful, unless the hotpants are highwaisted or teamed with some kind of cute ruffly chloe inspired muslin-y shirt.

2. Since when did it become okay for men to roll up their jeans to make little capri pants? This is only okay if you are channeling robinson crusoe for some kind of purpose that i can't really imagine right now, or if your jeans are drainpipes and you have curly hair. I don't know why the curls help but they really do.

3. Though i have seen it on every girl with a semblance of style recently, you can never go wrong with a little floral dress and a cardigan. It is the sort of outfit which impresses your boyfriend's parents, but also looks good for evening in an "I have just thrown this old thing on but i work it, don't you think?" way. N.B. if your floral dress is from Kate Moss for topshop, be more careful. The fit on the chest is seriously not right.

4. If you sweat, don't wear grey marl. This applies to both sexes.

5. Swimsuits are for the beach! I get people wandering into the shop i work at in bournemouth in just bikinis and no shoes. That isn't okay.

I LOVE CAPSLOCK AND REFUSE TO STOP USING IT

The other day, Molly and I were shocked to discover that we had the odd male reader (just the one, and very odd he is too). This concerned us, as we agreed that we know little or nothing about men's fashion. However, it didn't take long to remember that a lack of knowledge has never stopped us before, and so with that in mind, a list:

1. Rolled-up shirtsleeves are one of the sexiest things around. I don’t know why, but this is undoubtedly true. I asked Molly what kind of Freudian reasons she thought were behind this, and she said “Because it reminds us how close we have come to seeing a short-sleeved shirt, but then the sleeve is just playing with us and we’re totes relieved that it didn’t actually happen”.

2. Women will always remember a man’s shoes. I remember which shoes every man I have ever been attracted to was wearing when I met him, from brogues to jackboots. A friend wore some Oxfords to a party at the weekend and every girl there was fawning over his footwear. Unfortunately he went home alone, but I didn’t say the shoes were bleeding miracle workers.

3. It’s okay for a heterosexual man to have “a look”. In fact, it’s preferable, unless their look is, say, inspired by P fucking Diddy; it allows them to give off a more coherent vibe, which in turn allows everyone to decide things about them at a distance of 30 paces. This can be a bad thing, in the case of a friend who mournfully suggested that his new look was “Anything quirky that makes me look less gay”. Other “looks” suggested by men in recent weeks run the gamut from “Inspired by Henry from Ugly Betty” to “Eastern Block chic, with a bit of sex thrown in”.

4. Never cuff your trousers, but roll them up now and again. I’m aware that I’m giving the impression that I have a rolling fetish in this list, but if the trousers are light – painters’ trousers for example – stopping the hemline just above the shoe can look fashionable in that Bobo (Bourgeois Bohemian, according to the fash fucks) sort of way. Hairy ankles on display, however, are verboten.

5. Carrying a bag is difficult territory. I’m aware that the phrase “Man bag” has been bandied around a lot in recent months, but Molly and I are not convinced. I have include this picture from the Sartorialist to illustrate that you can carry a bag and still make us swoon, but know that it’s only because you appeal to our nerd-loving side and we imagine you are sensitive and vulnerable and need someone willing to make you a packed lunch in the morning after a heady night of geek loving. Or something.

6. White Heat? Couldn’t give a fuck. Stop dressing like Razorlight. Johnny Borrel is a twat.

7. Few men should need expensive visits to the hairdresser A little hairspray and the odd fringe is okay. Any bleaching, spikes or highlights and you might as well slap on a striped shirt and belch sweet-nothings in a few female ears. Please note also that if a man has a fake tan, he is one step away from wearing foundation. Which is okay if you’re effeminate, but not if you’re into screaming at the football and grabbing women’s arses.

8. T-shirt sleeves are so passé. Unless it’s that ultra-thin tri-blend fabric (Thankyou, American Apparel), they often hang awkwardly, as cheap t-shirts are actually cut in a “T” shape. Roll them up or rip them off, just make sure they are disposed of. Most sensible men have learnt this by now, so all the saps whose sleeves hang like Jenna Jameson’s work tools have no excuse.

9. I have no idea what you’re meant to wear in the summer but it can’t be shorts. I have never seen a man look good in shorts, Bermuda-length or otherwise. If you’re absolutely sweltering in full-length trousers, cut your fucking t-shirt sleeves off. That’s a bit better, isn’t it?

10. Stop wearing patterned women’s hoodies from H&M. Enough of that silliness now, I’ve seen you.

11. Geek Chic?. Apparently looking "geeky" is in fashion now. The word "geek" was originally used to describe someone who bit the heads off live chickens in a freakshow. Just letting you know.

Image: Just copy this if you've no imagination. From The Sartorialist; A shot from the Face Hunter of someone who's allowed to spend more than twelve quid at the hairdesser.

MORE EPIC THAN BEN HUR, AND TWICE AS LONG

In September I will be moving to Elephant and Castle; an area of London whose local shopping centre, according to the University of the Arts London brochure, is “not often thought to be good for finding much other than a short stay in hospital after a violent mugging”. It follows logically, then, that I had better set my wardrobe straight before I move (leaving appropriate space, of course, for any bomber jackets with the likeness of Tupac spray-painted on the back which I might later purchase from the local market). A selfish, navel-gazing list follows in which I decide ten things which I should get around to buying.

1. White jeans: I avoided these while they were genuinely in fashion, quickly discovering that in a tight white trouser even my meagre form becomes something worthy of shouting “thunder-thighs” at in the street. However, as a devotee of wearing only black and white I feel it’s time to take the plunge. My favoured slim leg is a no-go area – instead I am prepared to settle for straight leg or (God forbid) the mumsy bootcut.


2. New thighs: Only really necessary for the sake of #1. Must have a gap between them large enough to drive a train through.

3. A suit: ”Nico was a Northern European Goddess. She was amazingly stylish; she would wear either a black or a white pant suit. Everybody thought she was just gorgeous” – Danny Fields. Recent charges of racism notwithstanding, who doesn’t want to be Nico?

4.Studded accessories: Given that fashion has liberated the hideous nylon windbreaker and smiley face logo from the sad-sack 90s raver, I think it’s only fair to turn our attention to another marginalized group and make them unwittingly cool - goffick kids, God bless them, are more in fashion than they’ve ever been (Look at Giles’ S/S 07 collection). I’m sure if they knew they’d shout that they “didn’t ask to be born”, shortly before slamming their bedroom doors and blasting Cradle Of Filth at tooth-rattling volume, but as it stands, they don’t know fuck all. Besides, buying leather and vicious spikes from haute designers is the fashion equivalent of buying your S&M gear from Ann Summers; the cheap-and-threatening metalhead market-stall is a cheaper and more authentic option.

5. Plain cotton zip-up hoodies: Speaking of liberating garments from the oppression of stereotype, I am a recent hoodie convert, and I am all about these at the moment. Anything that offers head coverage is a major plus when you have the kind of hair that explodes out like an afro wig with the slightest hint of damp. Please note: grey, black, white and navy are the only acceptable colours.

6.Statement jewellery: I just bought a necklace from Wallis, of all places, which I can only assume is inspired by a Pucci neckpiece. Wearing it makes me feel slightly less boring for buying basic, monochrome items. See also: Huge, shoulder, nuzzling drop earrings a la Edie Sedgwick. Ironically the best place to buy these that I can name is a market stall in Elephant and Castle. Take a left at the man selling porn from the boot of his car.


7.Black jersey dresses: American Apparel is my best bet, I suppose, provided I can work my way through the assault course of lame leggings, thong leotards and – quelle horror – lycra biker shorts.


8.A long, loose black skirt: I’ve mentioned this before on here, and I think it’s a dramatic look. Ashamed to say I recently admired this look on Mary Kate Olsen. Do as I say, not as I do.


9. A pale denim jacket with a hair metal back patch: Ha! You think I'm shitting you, but you'll never know.


10. Paper-thin t-shirts: I know everyone else is so over that shit (The (yawn) Row, anyone?), but the fact is, they work. Bonus points if you have neat, 70s groupie tits and can go without a bra. Who needs jewellery when you've got nipples? Presumably this is why Kate Moss' are visible from space.


Image: Nico probably reading something horrible about black people and (allegedly) agreeing with it

Your Beauty Is A Knife

Please note that due to a technical hitch this post is not, in fact, by Lola. It is by Molly. We're still figuring this joint posting thing out, alright?

Another list!

1. Lola and Freddie are hosting a sixties night on friday, and what to wear is becoming an issue. I have the choice of two outfits or a combination of both, and the weather forecast tells me it is going to be nineteen degrees, so bear that in mind!

First choice: a black boat necked shift with black leggings, pumps and a black cropped waistcoat over it.

Second choice: black straight leg jeans, navy and white breton striped top, and black waistcoat and pumps.

Third choice: breton top with shift layered over, leggings and pumps.

Any preferences?

2. I have a picture of a girl I cut out of a magazine months ago, and I have decided she is my fashion muse for the summer. She has a really blunt fringe, which I am going to get cut back in as soon as my bank account is is positive numbers again, and she has a pet mouse. I can't even explain how much I want a pet mouse.

3. I had an argument with one of my closest friends at university over whether some zara flip flops covered in huge gems a la burberry prorsum worked or not. The crunch came over the tacky level of said gems, and I have to say I was firmly in the love rather than the hate camp. She still put me off them, though.

I am afraid coursework is leading to minimal blogging from Molly, but I shall be back with a vengance shortly!