FOO FOO YIK YIK

I know, I know. You missed us, right?
No? Fuck, you, then. Here’s a list anyway.

1. The groupie is a dying breed. The usual image associated with her – think an Anita Pallenberg type in wafting silk on a four-poster bed in Morocco somewhere, preferably sandwiched between at least two of the Rolling Stones – floats back into Topshop ever now and again, but what of the slick, red-lipped Roxy Music girl with the flawless tan and lethal nails? If you’re going to be inspired by a trophy, you might as well make it a highly polished one. Shagging a rockstar is, of course, optional

2. Musician and performance artist Dynasty Handbag is the perfect example of the fashion phrase “the beautiful ugly”, in the sense that you feel she’d be quite attractive if she weren’t gurning wildly all the time. There’s something about wild hair and smudged lipstick which calls to mind the kind slightly damaged girl who Vice magazine are talking about when they hint at some indie slag being “fucked up” but “probably good for a poke” or something similar in the Dos and Don’ts. This, however, is the real deal.

3. It’s allegedly summer, a time when a young girl’s fancies turn to the idea of bright blonde tresses. However, if you are brunette, it’s worth remembering that you will have to bleach in stages ,and therefore will probably be known as “Carrot top” amongst your nearest and dearest for a week or so. Just letting you know.

4. Like most of you I saw CSS at Glastonbury on the good old BBC yesterday. Teenage yearnings to wear ridiculous spandex catsuits were heard bursting all over Britain when Lovefoxxxxxxxx (no, I don’t know how many sodding “x”s there are) clambered about near the stage looking like a number of pigs wrestling under a Klaxon’s jacket.

5. I find myself yearning for a fox stole. With at least one head. Maybe some tails. Probably this makes me a bit of a psycho.

6. Sunray pleats are popular at the moment, but generally give the wearer more lumps than are anatomically correct. In addition to this, in grey or navy they give the impression of “Skool Disco” fancy dress. Avoid.

7. According to “The Karl Lagerfeld Diet”, smoking cigarettes burns 160 calories a packet. Sure, that makes me feel a tiny bit better about the tar.

8. If you think a pair of your shoes needs re-heeling, do it now. Do not do as I have done and run all of them ragged until you are left with what can only be described as “shit shoes”.

9. I understand that you’re excited that Christian Joy has done a concession for Topshop, because you really like Karen O and so on and so on but just look at yourself for a moment. Imagine that in a sack with a boat printed on it. Karen O you ain’t, sister. Ain’t none of us Karen O.

10. Alright, it’s true. Everyone looks a twat in white wayfarers. But the black ones are universally flattering, if a little Michael J Fox.






Images: Dynasty Handbag; Get out your Piz Buin, it’s the Roxy Music groupies; You would just look stupid with top hats screenprinted on your tits, wouldn’t you?; Fur, especially with a face left on it, is wrong, and utterly, utterly creepy (photograph, incidentally, by Katka Worley, LCC B.A. photography exhibition).


Video:Dynasty Handbag - Break Up Day

SLOGAN IN THE STYLE OF HENRY HOLLAND

Because I am bitter about the fact I missed out on tickets to friday’s “Fashion In Motion” show at the V&A, I have included an old Gareth Pugh video instead of images in this post. British Vogue says that “His genius is undeniable”, don’tcha know?



1.What do you call a man who wears sandals in summer? You don’t call him, and you give him a fake number when he asks for yours. I don’t care how hot it is outside or whether Vogue Hommes International told you it was “so now”, metrosexuals, I do not need to see your hairy toes. Suffer in plimsoled silence.

2.If you are a woman and you wear a polo shirt, you look like a frumpy Sloane Ranger just about to pop her collar for that extra edge of sass. If you are a man, you do not look like a mod, even if it is by Fred Perry. You look like Preston from The Ordinary Boys.

3.Don’t throw out your cigarette packets. Save them and use them to spell out a rude word on your bedroom wall. Gaffa tape is so passé.

4.The Horrors may have ruined leather jackets for us all. A couple of days ago I went out in one wearing an all black ensemble and a cockney bloke bellowed “YOU’RE FROM SAAHFEND, INTCHA?” at me. Thankyou, Faris Rotter.

5.So few people look good in a trilby. Even fewer look good in a porkpie hat. If, by some miracle, you are one of those lucky individuals, never take it off.

6.Generally speaking, the time for huge novelty pendants is over. Throw out your seahorses, birds and (worst of all) hearts “toot sweet”.

7.I read an article recently which claimed that, as a woman, wearing tight vests marked you out as being stuck in the past. Not strictly true. As well as being useful with all things high or paper-bag waisted, if you have the right kind of figure they mark you out as the kind of woman that would make a wolf’s eyes pop out in a Tex Avery cartoon instead.

8.Snap out of it, Hedi; Pete Doherty is not a style icon. He is just a very, very lucky junkie with one or two nice coats.

9. If you are sick of your clothes and you have a thin boyfriend, offload them onto him; as I type this I am cutting the flouncy bits off a white linen kaftan in a vain attempt to make it more “masculine”. It feels almost like giving to charity and creates a lot more space in the wardrobe, although admittedly that leopard miniskirt you haven’t worn for six months may be better suited to ebay.

10.Speaking of kaftans, if you are considering buying from Kate Moss’ summer collection, I suggest the “Guatamalan kaftan” in black, which came to me in the post this morning. Despite being heavily embellished it’s soft, very chic and - shockingly – not cut like a tourniquet over the tits.

Sorry for the meagre blogging

from me, i would blab on about what thrilling things i have been doing, but in truth i have been spending my time lurking about in woods acting as a photography assistant to lola and working in a shitty high street shoe chain.

In this post I'd like to draw your attention to Tracyanne Campbell from the Glasgow based band Camera Obscura. Not only do I think her music is pretty neat, but i think her clothes are pretty hot too. Bowing to the trend, I'll use the format of a list.

p.s. in the group pictures, Tracyanne is the one with darker hair.

1. Tracyanne has a sharp, blunt haircut. This enables her to wear more feminine clothes without succumbing to twee, and this is something which at times i tread the line of myself. Cutesy she ain't.



2. She has a penchant for vintage dresses, but not the cliche kind, but the type your gran might actually have worn. Somehow, with her bob, she looks 'ugly but in a good way'. I know what I'm talking about, look at the pictures, yeah?



3. She sometimes wears boyish clothes, or actual mens clothes, and I love that. Men's tee shirts are always a better fit, mens jeans and chinos look cute in an "I just slung these on because I found them on the floor, but i still look hot" way. And breton t shirts should be a wardrobe staple for days when you want to channel someone hot and french, be it lou dillon or edith piaf.



Again, this is by Molly.

LISTHAY LOHAN

1.One or two lucky men can go shirtless in the summer and look like a 70s rock icon holidaying in Marrakech. The rest of you will doubtless look like builders from Peckham.

2.Natural fibres for a bag are fantastic when you’re not really into chavvy Fendi knockoffs and you’re not exactly working on a Marc Jacobs budget. You can get a Hessian tote with leather handles for about five quid, and no-one is really sure whether you’re a wealthy minimalist or your sole income is five hours a week at Sainsburys and whatever your Nan sends in your birthday card.

3.I sincerely hope no-one is still shopping in the “Young Trend” section of H&M anymore, as the only “trend” I can discern is “things I bought in Tesco when I was eight”.

4.Do not be sucked in by a ridiculous, unwearable catwalk trend unless you are actually a model. The other day I caught myself looking thoughtfully at those pristine-white nursing clogs so favoured by the over-65s. Thankyou, Viktor and Rolf.

5.A sharp indigo is the only acceptable colour for blue jeans, unless they have a particularly 70s cut which lends itself to a faded wash. The bootcut is so unfashionable that someone needs to bring it back, as while with heels it looks a little “mum’s night out” it looks great forming a puddle of denim around a flat ballet pump. Personally, I’m not a blue jeans girl.

6.Glossy PVC – especially in a crinkled finish – is set to be everywhere when the weather gets colder, but wear it as a jacket or trench only for fear of looking like Trent sodding Reznor from Nine Inch Nails and suggesting to everyone who survived the 90s that you want to “fuck them like an animal”.

7.Large designer logos – preferably fake as a wedding cake – are the Lindsay Lohan of the accessory world, both stylish and fun in incredibly small doses because they’re so unashamedly trashy.

8.I wore white linen trousers last night in an attempt to get over my fear of the devil’s summer fabric, and my friend Gabriel chirruped “My mum has some of those”. Try not to be put off by such cutting remarks – if someone’s mother has something and you still think it’s relevant you can always bullshit your way into calling it a “classic”.

9.If you are bored with women’s high-street clothing, move onto menswear. Although normally I would be scathing about Topman, I have just discovered the delights of their button-up baseball t-shirt. Undone to reveal the collarbones and sheer enough to show the ghost of a bra or nipple, it looks terrific hanging off a manorexic frame or a slender female one alike.

10.Oh I don’t know. Handbags and that.


Images:Catwalk fashion that might look a wee bit silly in the supermarket; Lindsay Lohan –she actually does want to fuck you like an animal; Pharrell and some label-heavy Vuitton bags (I ran out of things to search on google image)

OH MY GOSH

Having realised that the last entry was uncharacteristically serious I have deleted it in favour of some more of the kind of unstructured fluff that people might actually read. You might have noticed that I sometimes publish entries and then later remove them on a whim; get used to it, shitcorpse. To the best of my knowledge Molly has never deleted one of her entries, so you can count on her not to be a prima donna – I will continue to churn out my worthless and unfounded opinions and delete them with a well-placed curse when I please. Today the ubiquitous list is about four people who influence the way I dress. Enjoy it while it’s there.


1.Karl Lagerfeld.I have spent the last few months slowly eliminating colour from my wardrobe, and it was the best decision I ever made. Nothing says “I used to be slightly rotund and now I’m thin and severe and maybe just that little bit too resentful about my flabby past” like an entirely black and white ensemble. This statement may be just as true of myself as it is of Lagerfeld – frankly, you’ll never know – but his predictably smart silhouette has made a definate impact on my taste. Most notably he has taken Coco Chanel’s foolproof formula of a black dress and a mountain of costume jewellery to another slightly bonkers level by adding skulls, crosses and – Lord love him – enough plastic surgery to make him look stuffed. I might refrain from channelling his chin.

2.Jean Shrimpton. Less boyish and plain than Twiggy and less petulant than Edie Sedgwick, Jean Shrimpton lent a shabby air to her waifish frame with too-large sweatshirts and trenchcoats held tightly closed with tiny wrists. Her heavy, eye-skimming fringe and long hair often look as though they have been artfully tousled by a fairly tame and uneventful roll in the hay. At this point I am so desperate for my hair to grow out of its passé Mary Quant bob that I have googled “make hair grow faster” more than once in the past week. Shame on me.

3.Andy Warhol. The little albino homo that could, Warhol’s signature style of striped t-shirts, dark glasses and leather jacket looks good on almost anyone, and being deathly pale myself I have no choice but to follow his lead. Warhol was something of a foot-fetishist and kept many worn-out pairs of his own shoes, some of which were drizzled with paint from his iconic portraits. I would love to have some Jackson-Pollack style shoes, but despite being at art school I am a terrible painter, and would rather not spatter them on purpose for fear of looking like an affected twat.

4.Brigitte Bardot. A woman with all of the sex appeal Jean Shrimpton lacks, I find her signature makeup – the bubblegum lips and heavy, feline eyeliner – the easiest way to turn from scabby to glamorous, or at the very least halfway between the two. Her style of dress was typically French – stripes, capris, loafers and the ubiquitous fag – but she knew how to make it appear feminine and give it va-va-voom in the way that only a true sex icon can. One of the reasons I chose to put her here is that she taught me that having slightly goofy front teeth can be extremely sexy. Of course, it helps that not many of us can fill out a boat-neck sweater like Bardot (without the help of a very good bra, some very good knickers, or both at the same time and a great deal of vision).

I could go on and on, but I’m sure you’d rather look at the pictures. To recap, you have learnt that I may or may not have been a chubby child, that I have goofy front teeth, that I am incredibly pale and that I can’t paint. Brilliant.

Images:The many faces of Karl Lagerfeld; The Shrimp; Andy Warhol's "Style"; The "Bardot neck" 's namesake.

RULES FOR HOT WEATHER.

(OKAY, so we fucked up again with the posting. It's by Molly, not Lola, blah blah blah. We're not Bill Gates, and we're still not totally great with this "blogging" thing.)

1. The minimum amount of clothes in not necessarily the coolest option. Cropped tops and hotpants look awful, unless the hotpants are highwaisted or teamed with some kind of cute ruffly chloe inspired muslin-y shirt.

2. Since when did it become okay for men to roll up their jeans to make little capri pants? This is only okay if you are channeling robinson crusoe for some kind of purpose that i can't really imagine right now, or if your jeans are drainpipes and you have curly hair. I don't know why the curls help but they really do.

3. Though i have seen it on every girl with a semblance of style recently, you can never go wrong with a little floral dress and a cardigan. It is the sort of outfit which impresses your boyfriend's parents, but also looks good for evening in an "I have just thrown this old thing on but i work it, don't you think?" way. N.B. if your floral dress is from Kate Moss for topshop, be more careful. The fit on the chest is seriously not right.

4. If you sweat, don't wear grey marl. This applies to both sexes.

5. Swimsuits are for the beach! I get people wandering into the shop i work at in bournemouth in just bikinis and no shoes. That isn't okay.

I LOVE CAPSLOCK AND REFUSE TO STOP USING IT

The other day, Molly and I were shocked to discover that we had the odd male reader (just the one, and very odd he is too). This concerned us, as we agreed that we know little or nothing about men's fashion. However, it didn't take long to remember that a lack of knowledge has never stopped us before, and so with that in mind, a list:

1. Rolled-up shirtsleeves are one of the sexiest things around. I don’t know why, but this is undoubtedly true. I asked Molly what kind of Freudian reasons she thought were behind this, and she said “Because it reminds us how close we have come to seeing a short-sleeved shirt, but then the sleeve is just playing with us and we’re totes relieved that it didn’t actually happen”.

2. Women will always remember a man’s shoes. I remember which shoes every man I have ever been attracted to was wearing when I met him, from brogues to jackboots. A friend wore some Oxfords to a party at the weekend and every girl there was fawning over his footwear. Unfortunately he went home alone, but I didn’t say the shoes were bleeding miracle workers.

3. It’s okay for a heterosexual man to have “a look”. In fact, it’s preferable, unless their look is, say, inspired by P fucking Diddy; it allows them to give off a more coherent vibe, which in turn allows everyone to decide things about them at a distance of 30 paces. This can be a bad thing, in the case of a friend who mournfully suggested that his new look was “Anything quirky that makes me look less gay”. Other “looks” suggested by men in recent weeks run the gamut from “Inspired by Henry from Ugly Betty” to “Eastern Block chic, with a bit of sex thrown in”.

4. Never cuff your trousers, but roll them up now and again. I’m aware that I’m giving the impression that I have a rolling fetish in this list, but if the trousers are light – painters’ trousers for example – stopping the hemline just above the shoe can look fashionable in that Bobo (Bourgeois Bohemian, according to the fash fucks) sort of way. Hairy ankles on display, however, are verboten.

5. Carrying a bag is difficult territory. I’m aware that the phrase “Man bag” has been bandied around a lot in recent months, but Molly and I are not convinced. I have include this picture from the Sartorialist to illustrate that you can carry a bag and still make us swoon, but know that it’s only because you appeal to our nerd-loving side and we imagine you are sensitive and vulnerable and need someone willing to make you a packed lunch in the morning after a heady night of geek loving. Or something.

6. White Heat? Couldn’t give a fuck. Stop dressing like Razorlight. Johnny Borrel is a twat.

7. Few men should need expensive visits to the hairdresser A little hairspray and the odd fringe is okay. Any bleaching, spikes or highlights and you might as well slap on a striped shirt and belch sweet-nothings in a few female ears. Please note also that if a man has a fake tan, he is one step away from wearing foundation. Which is okay if you’re effeminate, but not if you’re into screaming at the football and grabbing women’s arses.

8. T-shirt sleeves are so passé. Unless it’s that ultra-thin tri-blend fabric (Thankyou, American Apparel), they often hang awkwardly, as cheap t-shirts are actually cut in a “T” shape. Roll them up or rip them off, just make sure they are disposed of. Most sensible men have learnt this by now, so all the saps whose sleeves hang like Jenna Jameson’s work tools have no excuse.

9. I have no idea what you’re meant to wear in the summer but it can’t be shorts. I have never seen a man look good in shorts, Bermuda-length or otherwise. If you’re absolutely sweltering in full-length trousers, cut your fucking t-shirt sleeves off. That’s a bit better, isn’t it?

10. Stop wearing patterned women’s hoodies from H&M. Enough of that silliness now, I’ve seen you.

11. Geek Chic?. Apparently looking "geeky" is in fashion now. The word "geek" was originally used to describe someone who bit the heads off live chickens in a freakshow. Just letting you know.

Image: Just copy this if you've no imagination. From The Sartorialist; A shot from the Face Hunter of someone who's allowed to spend more than twelve quid at the hairdesser.