SLOGAN IN THE STYLE OF HENRY HOLLAND

Because I am bitter about the fact I missed out on tickets to friday’s “Fashion In Motion” show at the V&A, I have included an old Gareth Pugh video instead of images in this post. British Vogue says that “His genius is undeniable”, don’tcha know?



1.What do you call a man who wears sandals in summer? You don’t call him, and you give him a fake number when he asks for yours. I don’t care how hot it is outside or whether Vogue Hommes International told you it was “so now”, metrosexuals, I do not need to see your hairy toes. Suffer in plimsoled silence.

2.If you are a woman and you wear a polo shirt, you look like a frumpy Sloane Ranger just about to pop her collar for that extra edge of sass. If you are a man, you do not look like a mod, even if it is by Fred Perry. You look like Preston from The Ordinary Boys.

3.Don’t throw out your cigarette packets. Save them and use them to spell out a rude word on your bedroom wall. Gaffa tape is so passé.

4.The Horrors may have ruined leather jackets for us all. A couple of days ago I went out in one wearing an all black ensemble and a cockney bloke bellowed “YOU’RE FROM SAAHFEND, INTCHA?” at me. Thankyou, Faris Rotter.

5.So few people look good in a trilby. Even fewer look good in a porkpie hat. If, by some miracle, you are one of those lucky individuals, never take it off.

6.Generally speaking, the time for huge novelty pendants is over. Throw out your seahorses, birds and (worst of all) hearts “toot sweet”.

7.I read an article recently which claimed that, as a woman, wearing tight vests marked you out as being stuck in the past. Not strictly true. As well as being useful with all things high or paper-bag waisted, if you have the right kind of figure they mark you out as the kind of woman that would make a wolf’s eyes pop out in a Tex Avery cartoon instead.

8.Snap out of it, Hedi; Pete Doherty is not a style icon. He is just a very, very lucky junkie with one or two nice coats.

9. If you are sick of your clothes and you have a thin boyfriend, offload them onto him; as I type this I am cutting the flouncy bits off a white linen kaftan in a vain attempt to make it more “masculine”. It feels almost like giving to charity and creates a lot more space in the wardrobe, although admittedly that leopard miniskirt you haven’t worn for six months may be better suited to ebay.

10.Speaking of kaftans, if you are considering buying from Kate Moss’ summer collection, I suggest the “Guatamalan kaftan” in black, which came to me in the post this morning. Despite being heavily embellished it’s soft, very chic and - shockingly – not cut like a tourniquet over the tits.

MASTURBATING WITH A FASHION MAGAZINE

YET ANOTHER LIST BY LOLA, AGED 19 AND A BIT


1.I wish I could change my hairstyle as often as I change my clothes. Six months ago I went from tit-skimming waves to a Mary-Quant style bob which has been getting shorter ever since. Now I have decided that I want to grow it into some kind of Francoise-Hardy look again, like the beatnik from Hairspray. Never be afraid to change your cut; it’s all dead anyway, after all.

2.I notice that two girls were recently pictured in the same Kate Moss dress on The Face Hunter, attending the same night at Boombox. Quelle embarrassment. We all knew it would happen.

3.I can’t for the life of me remember if I’ve addressed the matter of turbans. I recently bought a gold one for a photo-shoot I was doing in a friend’s pool house, and let me be the first to inform you that having put it on out of sheer curiosity, “Prada” was not the first thing to spring to mind. Best left to the models, unless you have an absolutely divine face and fucking neat eyebrows.

4.I recently re-watched Breakfast At Tiffany’s and it gave me a new appreciation for highlighted hair. I had completely forgotten that it could evoke something other than a young mum of three from Croyden.

5.Jumble sales are losing the innocent bargain-hunting charm they once had. I recently attended one at an upmarket indie pub and everyone was quivering with terror at the prospect that someone might realise their clothes were not vintage but, in fact, high street with the labels cut out. I of course left all my labels in and someone complained about an item being from Primark. If you’re attending an event where you expect to get a garment for a few quid, no brand is too low for your attention. Also, if we're honest, ma cherie, not one of my cast-offs would have fitted you.

6.We are fast approaching the time that Vogue, Harpers et al will be telling us exactly how to “Travel light” on our nonexistent trips to Ibiza and St Tropez. My advice? Pack little but lingerie, take a strapping partner and economise on wardrobe by spending most of your time in the hotel. Your tan might suffer but I can assure you that you’ll at least have something of a glow – colour in a bottle is infinitely safer, anyway.

7.I have little or no interest in whether or not my mobile phone is by Prada, Dolce and Gabbana or The Carphone sodding Warehouse. It sends. It receives. I can speak into it. That should be enough for any woman.

8.I think Patti Smith is incredibly glamorous in her own masculine way. I once saw a photograph of her standing in a subway with a prayer cloth draped nonchalantly over her shoulders and it reminded me of the appeal that shops that smelt of sandalwood and sold cheesecloth dresses had when I was about ten.

9.Semi-sheer black tights with a reinforced toe. Suspend disbelief and reconsider that idea.

10. Prince circa "Purple Rain". Fuck it, Prince anytime. I'm not even going to say anything else about him. I don't need to. If you can't tell that this is a praise rather than a critique, there is no hope for you.

Images: I place the two Kate girls side by side to further their embarrassment; Patti Smith makes man-hair and a headband look sexy; Francoise with the coveted fringe; The purple sex dwarf.

Kate Moss for Topshop

So, launch day has rolled around already.

The hoardes came, but weren't quite as huge as we had all led to expect. Kate made a brief appearance from behind some glass, and the label tells me i can expect "looks from future seasons". The label lies.

I didn't brave oxford street this morning, but i did check out what my local store had to offer by way of miss moss's designs. What I found was a puny rail of exceedingly poorly cut clothes which looked like they were from three seasons ago. They included, I kid you not, a shimmery gold floor length skirt. I'll just allow that to sink in a moment.

Admittedly, I did buy a black waistcoat and two vests, but the cut on the waistcoat is a bit odd and I got it out of desperate need for a masculine edge to the myriad dresses I have for summer.

In conclusion, unless you are a fashion designer, your line for a high street shop is likely to be poor, because you will, as it looks like kate has done, look in your wardrobe one afternoon and think "this'll do", and then sketch it on the back of a napkin to give to phillip green.