Because I am bitter about the fact I missed out on tickets to friday’s “Fashion In Motion” show at the V&A, I have included an old Gareth Pugh video instead of images in this post. British Vogue says that “His genius is undeniable”, don’tcha know?
1.What do you call a man who wears sandals in summer? You don’t call him, and you give him a fake number when he asks for yours. I don’t care how hot it is outside or whether Vogue Hommes International told you it was “so now”, metrosexuals, I do not need to see your hairy toes. Suffer in plimsoled silence.
2.If you are a woman and you wear a polo shirt, you look like a frumpy Sloane Ranger just about to pop her collar for that extra edge of sass. If you are a man, you do not look like a mod, even if it is by Fred Perry. You look like Preston from The Ordinary Boys.
3.Don’t throw out your cigarette packets. Save them and use them to spell out a rude word on your bedroom wall. Gaffa tape is so passé.
4.The Horrors may have ruined leather jackets for us all. A couple of days ago I went out in one wearing an all black ensemble and a cockney bloke bellowed “YOU’RE FROM SAAHFEND, INTCHA?” at me. Thankyou, Faris Rotter.
5.So few people look good in a trilby. Even fewer look good in a porkpie hat. If, by some miracle, you are one of those lucky individuals, never take it off.
6.Generally speaking, the time for huge novelty pendants is over. Throw out your seahorses, birds and (worst of all) hearts “toot sweet”.
7.I read an article recently which claimed that, as a woman, wearing tight vests marked you out as being stuck in the past. Not strictly true. As well as being useful with all things high or paper-bag waisted, if you have the right kind of figure they mark you out as the kind of woman that would make a wolf’s eyes pop out in a Tex Avery cartoon instead.
8.Snap out of it, Hedi; Pete Doherty is not a style icon. He is just a very, very lucky junkie with one or two nice coats.
9. If you are sick of your clothes and you have a thin boyfriend, offload them onto him; as I type this I am cutting the flouncy bits off a white linen kaftan in a vain attempt to make it more “masculine”. It feels almost like giving to charity and creates a lot more space in the wardrobe, although admittedly that leopard miniskirt you haven’t worn for six months may be better suited to ebay.
10.Speaking of kaftans, if you are considering buying from Kate Moss’ summer collection, I suggest the “Guatamalan kaftan” in black, which came to me in the post this morning. Despite being heavily embellished it’s soft, very chic and - shockingly – not cut like a tourniquet over the tits.