SLEEP WITH COMMON PEOPLE

Imagine my horror when a couple of days ago I found myself invited to a party with a 90s theme.

Quite honestly I can't think of a more abhorrent decade as far as fashion trends go - skirts over trousers, bumbags, rave, the ubiquitous scrunchie, the trend for wearing all-over-denim ushered in by B*Witched and the popularity of shellsuits. Britney "Hit Me Baby One More Time" Spears is currently a bloated, fag-toting mess, lightly powdered with a mixture of Cheeto dust and class As and weighing in, the cover of Heat magazine proclaims, at (gasp!)"over ten stone" - to me, this fall from grace is emblematic of what should have happened to the decade itself, but then what do I know? Try telling that, for instance, to Christopher Kane.

Yes, Christopher Kane, the current darling of the British fashion industry and the man single-handedly responsible for suggestion that women mummify themselves in body-hugging neon bandages. Also responsible, in part, for the fact that Topshop - who carried his concession line a few months ago - now have a collection called "Pop", offering is fluro hotpants, white denim and t-shirts screaming "SAVE THE RAVE!". Incidentally I can't be the only one who noticed that when the sickeningly talented Gareth Pugh was the enfant terrible of London Fashion Week for all of twenty minutes we weren't subjected to an "S&M RULES OK" collage on Topshop.com full of leather, vinyl and, um, balloons (and more's the pity, because I would have bought five of everything). I can't also be alone in realising that your average women, when wrapped in a flourescent tourniquet which barely covers her arse, looks not unlike The Mummy Returns as re-envisaged by Flava Flav. I am willing to admit that last year I did visit Dover Street Market and buy a House Of Holland t-shirt - yes, before they appeared in Elle and that - if only to point out that I bought "UHU GARETH PUGH" rather than the bile-green "CUM AGAIN, CHRISTOPHER KANE" because yes, I was genuinely interested in giving a shoutout to "Gazza" and his balloon animal chic.

"A SARCASTIC THANKYOU FOR BRINGING NINETIES RAVE FASHION BACK INTO VOGUE AGAIN, CHRISTOPHER KANE."

Images: Neon arse from Christopher Kane; Pierrot nightmares from Gareth Pugh; The nudey photograph by Toyin has absolutely nothing to do with the matter at hand, but I thought we all needed to calm down. An exercise: imagine coming home to find this lanky streak of perfection crawling around in your sheets. Any anxieties about bumbags becoming en Vogue should melt away.

Ug Bet

There are two things going against Betty Suarez as a fashion icon, as well as the fact that she doesn't really exist.

Firstly, she is meant to be UGLY! Come on, it's in the title.

And secondly, if she wasn't ugly, we wouldn't love her as much! But she HAS managed to channel some covetable and very 'this season' looks.

1. Untamed brows. The catwalks were full of them! A warning on this one though; DO NOT STOP PLUCKING ALTOGETHER. YOU SHOULD STILL HAVE TWO DISTINCT EYEBROWS.

2. Plaid. Betty wears lots, and it sure looks cute in a shirt.

3. Peter Pan collars. These work on everyone, this is something even lola and me agree on.

4. Colour on colour. I love this, and sometimes it looks better when it is ever so slightly 'off', colours which just might go.

And you know, that puffy coat just might remind me of the Prada parka...

I HIT HIM BACK WITH MY PET RAT

ANOTHER LIST BY LOLA, AGED 19 2/8

1. There is no better accessory than a well-dressed man; Anita Pallenberg knew this when she famously encouraged Keith Richards to wear her clothes. Whether or not you change him as often as you change your shoes is entirely up to you.

2. Taking inspiration from non-fashion photographs puts an interesting spin on your style, whether it’s the way an elderly woman wears her headscarf in a Bruce Gilden snapshot or, in the case of the boyfriend, a tattoo of Lenin in a Russian documentary piece.Don't ask.

3. Wearing black is more chic than ever in light of this shitty nu-rave revival. Imagine Karl Lagerfeld wearing Cassette Playa. Disgusting.

4. Look at charity shop windows when you’re on the bus and you’re sure to spot the new love of your life. However, be warned – what might look like a dead ringer for a 2.55 when you’re moving past at 35 miles an hour might turn out to be a greying clutch from Mark One with a cigarette burn up close.

5. Apparently deliberately messy hair, plaid shirts and grubby second-hand boots are now synonymous with teenagers whose parents have boats. I learnt this at art school. Whether or not you want to cultivate this image is entirely up to you.

6. At some stage you will look at photographs of yourself as a child and think “I looked more stylish at ten than I do now”. Perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate the merits of matching your dungarees with your shoes.

7. When buying mannish trousers, buy them two sizes too big and belt them tightly at the waist. It looks very Patti Smith meets lesbian from the 30s and yesterday the boyfriend dubbed it “Raunchy”.

8. Cigarette holders are genuinely cool. Fuck off.

9. Watch the film “Breathless” by Jean Luc Goddard. Jean Seberg’s delightfully short hair will make you reach for the clippers and you will never again underestimate the power of Breton stripes. That goes for men too.

10. Those studded leather biker gloves with no fingers look fantastic with rolled-up sleeves. Stop laughing and fuck off to Camden market, I’m serious.




Images:Der Kaiser; Jean Seberg and her difficult crop; Corey Kennedy displays “I’m not moneyed, honest!” to a tee.

"I resent that being a jew is so hip now"

A list by molly.

1. The bigger your bag, the thinner you look. I swear this works. A word of warning on this one though - since a whole winter of lugging around a holdall on my arm my back has a permanent lean to the left. This also works for long necklaces, but don't ask me how (slimming, not back pain inducing).

2. Inspiration comes from odd places sometimes, but nu-ravers seem to have been looking at my twelve year old self. I wore cycling shorts. I think we both know that is all that needs to be said.

3. I think that I say "Oh, isn't that HORRIBLE? I LOVE it!" too much.

4. I really wish I could have been a beat poet, so I bought a breton striped t shirt.

5. Kingston's second h&m store is opening shortly, since the other one became too full of M by madonna and fucking ugly printed hoodies. Report coming soon.

6. Maxi dresses are unflattering unless you have completely evenly matched tits and hips. I don't.


"Don't call me whitney, bobby" by The Islands is all that is cheering me up right now. Oh, and talking to lola about our not-so-secret joy at patrick wolf quitting music. He was the worst culprit of leggings as trousers, and he had a penis, which we have all basically seen now. Wait a second while I just go and TEAR OUT MY RETINAS.

WE'RE PINHEADS ALL! JOCKO HOMO!

A LIST BY LOLA, AGED 19 1/4

1.Eye-patches are cool, in a sort of malevolent army officer way. Impractical, though, as unless you are actually visually impaired, they will gradually make you blind in one eye. Approach with caution.

2.Putting a cameo brooch on anything, even a hoodie, immediately makes it appear as though you have made an effort, partly because they’re so out of fashion. Bonus points if you have the ring to match.

3.I started wearing footless tights as a half-arsed homage to Karen O in the first year of sixth form and, after cutting off feet left right and centre, going through my hosiery drawer of a morning is now incredibly frustrating. Learn from my mistakes and avoid them like the plague.

4.I’m aware that it’s now cool to wear an entire games console as a necklace but please, resist the fucking temptation. Ditto Fisher Price toys, glitterballs or alarm clocks.

5.Lou Reed’s Man in the song “Waiting For The Man” might not exactly be a steadying influence, butat least he knows how to dress – “All dressed in black, PR shoes and a big straw hat”.

6.Tall, thin people look better in clothes. It’s depressing, yes, but let’s just admit that now. I have a friend who has done catwalk modelling and he makes a v-necked t-shirt and a hoodie look cutting edge. Best if the rest of us get out that cameo, then.

7.Not all of us are blessed with cheekbones. Drag queens aren’t afraid to draw them on – don’t be afraid to follow suit.

8.Men never wear long riding-style boots anymore, yet it’s possibly the single sexiest item of footwear at their disposal, because it makes us imagine them in nothing else; just because The Horrors advocate winkle-pickers doesn’t mean you have to have three-foot-long shoes.

9.If you have a tiny pinhead and wear huge glasses, you do not look like Jackie Onassis. You look like a twat. Might I suggest aviators? Or a tall hairstyle?

10.Wearing lenless glasses is only acceptable if you are channelling A) Mark Mothersbaugh from Devo or B) Jarvis Cocker. If you are channelling someone you saw on Dirtydirtydancing.com? As above, you look like a twat.


Images: Jackie O and her well-proportioned head; A good combination image for both footless tights and tall skinny people thrashing the rest of us at dressing; A juice carton on a fucking necklace, for Christ’s sake; James Joyce in an eyepatch under his glasses.

Leggingate

I am not one to bear a grudge. Well, I sort of am, especially when it comes to fashion mistakes or kissing someone else's boyfriend. BUT I do own more than three pairs of the offending items in this post, so bear with me.

LEGGINGS AS TROUSERS. I'm sorry, but it isn't okay. I have seen one person to ever pull this look off, ONE, out of the WHOLE WORLD, but I don't want to see the outlines of anyone's girl parts! And don't you realise that anything stretch highlights cellulite?

I really love the legging with dress thing, and in england a little bit of leg protection is always a plus, but seriously! They are not a stand alone garment!



No way.

GROOVING ON DOWN IN A TRENCHOAT

What the bloody hell do you mean you don’t own a trench-coat?

Unless you were raised by wolves – and even in this case I am dubious, as there is no doubt that Mowgli knew what he was doing when he chose that rust coloured loincloth that so set off his dark hair and complexion – and have never read a fashion magazine, ever, you will know that the trench is so chic that it’s almost ridiculous. When flapping open it makes the wearer appear waiflike and nonchalant. When fastened – viola, a waist! The collar, turned up, puts one in mind of a spy, or a woman in Paris with a dark past who is possibly not wearing knickers. It has even been name-checked by Syd Barrett. I am a hardened trench wearer and have just ordered one in PVC, and at the risk of sounding belligerent I suggest you fuck off and do the same, even – no, especially – if you are male. It’s very David-Bowie-in-Man-Who-Fell-To-Earth-meets-Vincent-Gallo-in-Purple-magazine chic, innit? If you’re bored with wearing your bog-standard camel mac roll the sleeves up once or twice to show your wrists – if they are slender already they will appear practically cadaverous and people will be offering to hold your coffee cup out of fear for your general wellbeing.


Images: Francoise Hardy accessorises a trench with cheekbones you could slice a lemon on; Images by fashion photographer Wendy Bevan; Our namesake the inimitable Bowie turning up his collar for aforementioned “not wearing knickers” chic.