WE'RE PINHEADS ALL! JOCKO HOMO!

A LIST BY LOLA, AGED 19 1/4

1.Eye-patches are cool, in a sort of malevolent army officer way. Impractical, though, as unless you are actually visually impaired, they will gradually make you blind in one eye. Approach with caution.

2.Putting a cameo brooch on anything, even a hoodie, immediately makes it appear as though you have made an effort, partly because they’re so out of fashion. Bonus points if you have the ring to match.

3.I started wearing footless tights as a half-arsed homage to Karen O in the first year of sixth form and, after cutting off feet left right and centre, going through my hosiery drawer of a morning is now incredibly frustrating. Learn from my mistakes and avoid them like the plague.

4.I’m aware that it’s now cool to wear an entire games console as a necklace but please, resist the fucking temptation. Ditto Fisher Price toys, glitterballs or alarm clocks.

5.Lou Reed’s Man in the song “Waiting For The Man” might not exactly be a steadying influence, butat least he knows how to dress – “All dressed in black, PR shoes and a big straw hat”.

6.Tall, thin people look better in clothes. It’s depressing, yes, but let’s just admit that now. I have a friend who has done catwalk modelling and he makes a v-necked t-shirt and a hoodie look cutting edge. Best if the rest of us get out that cameo, then.

7.Not all of us are blessed with cheekbones. Drag queens aren’t afraid to draw them on – don’t be afraid to follow suit.

8.Men never wear long riding-style boots anymore, yet it’s possibly the single sexiest item of footwear at their disposal, because it makes us imagine them in nothing else; just because The Horrors advocate winkle-pickers doesn’t mean you have to have three-foot-long shoes.

9.If you have a tiny pinhead and wear huge glasses, you do not look like Jackie Onassis. You look like a twat. Might I suggest aviators? Or a tall hairstyle?

10.Wearing lenless glasses is only acceptable if you are channelling A) Mark Mothersbaugh from Devo or B) Jarvis Cocker. If you are channelling someone you saw on Dirtydirtydancing.com? As above, you look like a twat.


Images: Jackie O and her well-proportioned head; A good combination image for both footless tights and tall skinny people thrashing the rest of us at dressing; A juice carton on a fucking necklace, for Christ’s sake; James Joyce in an eyepatch under his glasses.