LISTHAY LOHAN

1.One or two lucky men can go shirtless in the summer and look like a 70s rock icon holidaying in Marrakech. The rest of you will doubtless look like builders from Peckham.

2.Natural fibres for a bag are fantastic when you’re not really into chavvy Fendi knockoffs and you’re not exactly working on a Marc Jacobs budget. You can get a Hessian tote with leather handles for about five quid, and no-one is really sure whether you’re a wealthy minimalist or your sole income is five hours a week at Sainsburys and whatever your Nan sends in your birthday card.

3.I sincerely hope no-one is still shopping in the “Young Trend” section of H&M anymore, as the only “trend” I can discern is “things I bought in Tesco when I was eight”.

4.Do not be sucked in by a ridiculous, unwearable catwalk trend unless you are actually a model. The other day I caught myself looking thoughtfully at those pristine-white nursing clogs so favoured by the over-65s. Thankyou, Viktor and Rolf.

5.A sharp indigo is the only acceptable colour for blue jeans, unless they have a particularly 70s cut which lends itself to a faded wash. The bootcut is so unfashionable that someone needs to bring it back, as while with heels it looks a little “mum’s night out” it looks great forming a puddle of denim around a flat ballet pump. Personally, I’m not a blue jeans girl.

6.Glossy PVC – especially in a crinkled finish – is set to be everywhere when the weather gets colder, but wear it as a jacket or trench only for fear of looking like Trent sodding Reznor from Nine Inch Nails and suggesting to everyone who survived the 90s that you want to “fuck them like an animal”.

7.Large designer logos – preferably fake as a wedding cake – are the Lindsay Lohan of the accessory world, both stylish and fun in incredibly small doses because they’re so unashamedly trashy.

8.I wore white linen trousers last night in an attempt to get over my fear of the devil’s summer fabric, and my friend Gabriel chirruped “My mum has some of those”. Try not to be put off by such cutting remarks – if someone’s mother has something and you still think it’s relevant you can always bullshit your way into calling it a “classic”.

9.If you are bored with women’s high-street clothing, move onto menswear. Although normally I would be scathing about Topman, I have just discovered the delights of their button-up baseball t-shirt. Undone to reveal the collarbones and sheer enough to show the ghost of a bra or nipple, it looks terrific hanging off a manorexic frame or a slender female one alike.

10.Oh I don’t know. Handbags and that.


Images:Catwalk fashion that might look a wee bit silly in the supermarket; Lindsay Lohan –she actually does want to fuck you like an animal; Pharrell and some label-heavy Vuitton bags (I ran out of things to search on google image)