The other day, Molly and I were shocked to discover that we had the odd male reader (just the one, and very odd he is too). This concerned us, as we agreed that we know little or nothing about men's fashion. However, it didn't take long to remember that a lack of knowledge has never stopped us before, and so with that in mind, a list:
1. Rolled-up shirtsleeves are one of the sexiest things around. I don’t know why, but this is undoubtedly true. I asked Molly what kind of Freudian reasons she thought were behind this, and she said “Because it reminds us how close we have come to seeing a short-sleeved shirt, but then the sleeve is just playing with us and we’re totes relieved that it didn’t actually happen”.
2. Women will always remember a man’s shoes. I remember which shoes every man I have ever been attracted to was wearing when I met him, from brogues to jackboots. A friend wore some Oxfords to a party at the weekend and every girl there was fawning over his footwear. Unfortunately he went home alone, but I didn’t say the shoes were bleeding miracle workers.
3. It’s okay for a heterosexual man to have “a look”. In fact, it’s preferable, unless their look is, say, inspired by P fucking Diddy; it allows them to give off a more coherent vibe, which in turn allows everyone to decide things about them at a distance of 30 paces. This can be a bad thing, in the case of a friend who mournfully suggested that his new look was “Anything quirky that makes me look less gay”. Other “looks” suggested by men in recent weeks run the gamut from “Inspired by Henry from Ugly Betty” to “Eastern Block chic, with a bit of sex thrown in”.
4. Never cuff your trousers, but roll them up now and again. I’m aware that I’m giving the impression that I have a rolling fetish in this list, but if the trousers are light – painters’ trousers for example – stopping the hemline just above the shoe can look fashionable in that Bobo (Bourgeois Bohemian, according to the fash fucks) sort of way. Hairy ankles on display, however, are verboten.
5. Carrying a bag is difficult territory. I’m aware that the phrase “Man bag” has been bandied around a lot in recent months, but Molly and I are not convinced. I have include this picture from the Sartorialist to illustrate that you can carry a bag and still make us swoon, but know that it’s only because you appeal to our nerd-loving side and we imagine you are sensitive and vulnerable and need someone willing to make you a packed lunch in the morning after a heady night of geek loving. Or something.
7. Few men should need expensive visits to the hairdresser A little hairspray and the odd fringe is okay. Any bleaching, spikes or highlights and you might as well slap on a striped shirt and belch sweet-nothings in a few female ears. Please note also that if a man has a fake tan, he is one step away from wearing foundation. Which is okay if you’re effeminate, but not if you’re into screaming at the football and grabbing women’s arses.
8. T-shirt sleeves are so passé. Unless it’s that ultra-thin tri-blend fabric (Thankyou, American Apparel), they often hang awkwardly, as cheap t-shirts are actually cut in a “T” shape. Roll them up or rip them off, just make sure they are disposed of. Most sensible men have learnt this by now, so all the saps whose sleeves hang like Jenna Jameson’s work tools have no excuse.
9. I have no idea what you’re meant to wear in the summer but it can’t be shorts. I have never seen a man look good in shorts, Bermuda-length or otherwise. If you’re absolutely sweltering in full-length trousers, cut your fucking t-shirt sleeves off. That’s a bit better, isn’t it?
10. Stop wearing patterned women’s hoodies from H&M. Enough of that silliness now, I’ve seen you.
11. Geek Chic?. Apparently looking "geeky" is in fashion now. The word "geek" was originally used to describe someone who bit the heads off live chickens in a freakshow. Just letting you know.
Image: Just copy this if you've no imagination. From The Sartorialist; A shot from the Face Hunter of someone who's allowed to spend more than twelve quid at the hairdesser.