In September I will be moving to Elephant and Castle; an area of London whose local shopping centre, according to the University of the Arts London brochure, is “not often thought to be good for finding much other than a short stay in hospital after a violent mugging”. It follows logically, then, that I had better set my wardrobe straight before I move (leaving appropriate space, of course, for any bomber jackets with the likeness of Tupac spray-painted on the back which I might later purchase from the local market). A selfish, navel-gazing list follows in which I decide ten things which I should get around to buying.
1. White jeans: I avoided these while they were genuinely in fashion, quickly discovering that in a tight white trouser even my meagre form becomes something worthy of shouting “thunder-thighs” at in the street. However, as a devotee of wearing only black and white I feel it’s time to take the plunge. My favoured slim leg is a no-go area – instead I am prepared to settle for straight leg or (God forbid) the mumsy bootcut.
2. New thighs: Only really necessary for the sake of #1. Must have a gap between them large enough to drive a train through.
3. A suit: ”Nico was a Northern European Goddess. She was amazingly stylish; she would wear either a black or a white pant suit. Everybody thought she was just gorgeous” – Danny Fields. Recent charges of racism notwithstanding, who doesn’t want to be Nico?
4.Studded accessories: Given that fashion has liberated the hideous nylon windbreaker and smiley face logo from the sad-sack 90s raver, I think it’s only fair to turn our attention to another marginalized group and make them unwittingly cool - goffick kids, God bless them, are more in fashion than they’ve ever been (Look at Giles’ S/S 07 collection). I’m sure if they knew they’d shout that they “didn’t ask to be born”, shortly before slamming their bedroom doors and blasting Cradle Of Filth at tooth-rattling volume, but as it stands, they don’t know fuck all. Besides, buying leather and vicious spikes from haute designers is the fashion equivalent of buying your S&M gear from Ann Summers; the cheap-and-threatening metalhead market-stall is a cheaper and more authentic option.
5. Plain cotton zip-up hoodies: Speaking of liberating garments from the oppression of stereotype, I am a recent hoodie convert, and I am all about these at the moment. Anything that offers head coverage is a major plus when you have the kind of hair that explodes out like an afro wig with the slightest hint of damp. Please note: grey, black, white and navy are the only acceptable colours.
6.Statement jewellery: I just bought a necklace from Wallis, of all places, which I can only assume is inspired by a Pucci neckpiece. Wearing it makes me feel slightly less boring for buying basic, monochrome items. See also: Huge, shoulder, nuzzling drop earrings a la Edie Sedgwick. Ironically the best place to buy these that I can name is a market stall in Elephant and Castle. Take a left at the man selling porn from the boot of his car.
7.Black jersey dresses: American Apparel is my best bet, I suppose, provided I can work my way through the assault course of lame leggings, thong leotards and – quelle horror – lycra biker shorts.
8.A long, loose black skirt: I’ve mentioned this before on here, and I think it’s a dramatic look. Ashamed to say I recently admired this look on Mary Kate Olsen. Do as I say, not as I do.
9. A pale denim jacket with a hair metal back patch: Ha! You think I'm shitting you, but you'll never know.
10. Paper-thin t-shirts: I know everyone else is so over that shit (The (yawn) Row, anyone?), but the fact is, they work. Bonus points if you have neat, 70s groupie tits and can go without a bra. Who needs jewellery when you've got nipples? Presumably this is why Kate Moss' are visible from space.
Image: Nico probably reading something horrible about black people and (allegedly) agreeing with it