I know, I know. You missed us, right?
No? Fuck, you, then. Here’s a list anyway.
1. The groupie is a dying breed. The usual image associated with her – think an Anita Pallenberg type in wafting silk on a four-poster bed in Morocco somewhere, preferably sandwiched between at least two of the Rolling Stones – floats back into Topshop ever now and again, but what of the slick, red-lipped Roxy Music girl with the flawless tan and lethal nails? If you’re going to be inspired by a trophy, you might as well make it a highly polished one. Shagging a rockstar is, of course, optional
2. Musician and performance artist Dynasty Handbag is the perfect example of the fashion phrase “the beautiful ugly”, in the sense that you feel she’d be quite attractive if she weren’t gurning wildly all the time. There’s something about wild hair and smudged lipstick which calls to mind the kind slightly damaged girl who Vice magazine are talking about when they hint at some indie slag being “fucked up” but “probably good for a poke” or something similar in the Dos and Don’ts. This, however, is the real deal.
3. It’s allegedly summer, a time when a young girl’s fancies turn to the idea of bright blonde tresses. However, if you are brunette, it’s worth remembering that you will have to bleach in stages ,and therefore will probably be known as “Carrot top” amongst your nearest and dearest for a week or so. Just letting you know.
4. Like most of you I saw CSS at Glastonbury on the good old BBC yesterday. Teenage yearnings to wear ridiculous spandex catsuits were heard bursting all over Britain when Lovefoxxxxxxxx (no, I don’t know how many sodding “x”s there are) clambered about near the stage looking like a number of pigs wrestling under a Klaxon’s jacket.
5. I find myself yearning for a fox stole. With at least one head. Maybe some tails. Probably this makes me a bit of a psycho.
6. Sunray pleats are popular at the moment, but generally give the wearer more lumps than are anatomically correct. In addition to this, in grey or navy they give the impression of “Skool Disco” fancy dress. Avoid.
7. According to “The Karl Lagerfeld Diet”, smoking cigarettes burns 160 calories a packet. Sure, that makes me feel a tiny bit better about the tar.
8. If you think a pair of your shoes needs re-heeling, do it now. Do not do as I have done and run all of them ragged until you are left with what can only be described as “shit shoes”.
9. I understand that you’re excited that Christian Joy has done a concession for Topshop, because you really like Karen O and so on and so on but just look at yourself for a moment. Imagine that in a sack with a boat printed on it. Karen O you ain’t, sister. Ain’t none of us Karen O.
10. Alright, it’s true. Everyone looks a twat in white wayfarers. But the black ones are universally flattering, if a little Michael J Fox.
Images: Dynasty Handbag; Get out your Piz Buin, it’s the Roxy Music groupies; You would just look stupid with top hats screenprinted on your tits, wouldn’t you?; Fur, especially with a face left on it, is wrong, and utterly, utterly creepy (photograph, incidentally, by Katka Worley, LCC B.A. photography exhibition).
Video:Dynasty Handbag - Break Up Day