COMPUTER CAMP LOVE

Admittedly there are times when the boyfriend and I run the risk of dressing like a his ‘n’ hers couple. We own the same beige trench-coat. We take the same jean size and have been known to swap trousers. However, I’m aware that in a previous post I suggested that a well-dressed man is the best accessory, but I wasn’t intending the two of you to become Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Twat. A list follows:

Pros:
1. People will assume that you’re having a lot of sex.For some reason, being so visually in tune with your boyfriend or girlfriend suggests that you like to get freaky with them on an un-naturally regular basis. Maybe it’s because you’re so interchangeable.
2. You are never embarrassed by what they’re wearing because you’re wearing the same fucking thing. Saves you from those argument-fuelling little incidents where he looks as if he slept in his suit, or she’s wearing some ridiculous fashion-forward item like metallic leggings or a trapeze dress that you actually think looks “completely bollocks”.
3. You can make twice the impact when you walk into a room. Imagine the gasps of delight when you and your beloved both walk into Boombox doing a matching “Apocalyptic Pierrot” look or something equally as ravishing. Imagine the streetstyle bloggers fumbling for their Nikons.
4. You have twice the trend-starting clout. Again, only really applies in the incestuous world of nightclubs. By all means use your partner to try and popularise wearing an entire computer as a pendant or something. If I’m perfectly honest I’m grasping at straws here.

Cons:
1. You look like siblings. Like two children. With the same mother. A mother who dressed you alike. Remember that photo where you and your sister are wearing the same dungarees? You sick fuck.
2. You will find yourself having to agree on a theme. This could create any number of arguments, resulting in one partner sulking all night because they weren’t allowed to do “Riviera Chic” and have been bullied into channelling Mr Motivator instead.
3. Generally, there is a reason clothes are gender specific. Most women look short and dumpy in men’s clothes. In women’s clothes, most men look like prison-yard trannies.
4. You will be laughed at. Not that I’m saying a little tittering should put you off exercising your style mojo, but really, if people hate one partner’s outfit they are going to hate the other’s. Get it wrong, and it’s a double-whammy of tosser.
5. You might be mistaken for your boyfriend or girlfriend from behind. Not so embarrassing in a homosexual relationship, but in a straight one it smarts. You’d think it wouldn’t happen, but depressingly as a woman with a short, slight boyfriend who looks not unlike a young Syd Barrett I can admit that it has.

I’m using the image from Vice magazine because although it was listed as a “Do” I think, quite frankly, it sits on the fence. I admire their gutsy stab at something approaching beatnik, but when I showed a friend he remarked sagely “Anyone looks cool if they’re thin and pretty. She, however, has a wide face and an ill-fitting dress and she’s trying to match her outdated boyfriend”. Might I advise not matching your partner, then, reader, so that at least you can prevent adding insult to injury by cutting the last of those snubs off the list.

MASTURBATING WITH A FASHION MAGAZINE

YET ANOTHER LIST BY LOLA, AGED 19 AND A BIT


1.I wish I could change my hairstyle as often as I change my clothes. Six months ago I went from tit-skimming waves to a Mary-Quant style bob which has been getting shorter ever since. Now I have decided that I want to grow it into some kind of Francoise-Hardy look again, like the beatnik from Hairspray. Never be afraid to change your cut; it’s all dead anyway, after all.

2.I notice that two girls were recently pictured in the same Kate Moss dress on The Face Hunter, attending the same night at Boombox. Quelle embarrassment. We all knew it would happen.

3.I can’t for the life of me remember if I’ve addressed the matter of turbans. I recently bought a gold one for a photo-shoot I was doing in a friend’s pool house, and let me be the first to inform you that having put it on out of sheer curiosity, “Prada” was not the first thing to spring to mind. Best left to the models, unless you have an absolutely divine face and fucking neat eyebrows.

4.I recently re-watched Breakfast At Tiffany’s and it gave me a new appreciation for highlighted hair. I had completely forgotten that it could evoke something other than a young mum of three from Croyden.

5.Jumble sales are losing the innocent bargain-hunting charm they once had. I recently attended one at an upmarket indie pub and everyone was quivering with terror at the prospect that someone might realise their clothes were not vintage but, in fact, high street with the labels cut out. I of course left all my labels in and someone complained about an item being from Primark. If you’re attending an event where you expect to get a garment for a few quid, no brand is too low for your attention. Also, if we're honest, ma cherie, not one of my cast-offs would have fitted you.

6.We are fast approaching the time that Vogue, Harpers et al will be telling us exactly how to “Travel light” on our nonexistent trips to Ibiza and St Tropez. My advice? Pack little but lingerie, take a strapping partner and economise on wardrobe by spending most of your time in the hotel. Your tan might suffer but I can assure you that you’ll at least have something of a glow – colour in a bottle is infinitely safer, anyway.

7.I have little or no interest in whether or not my mobile phone is by Prada, Dolce and Gabbana or The Carphone sodding Warehouse. It sends. It receives. I can speak into it. That should be enough for any woman.

8.I think Patti Smith is incredibly glamorous in her own masculine way. I once saw a photograph of her standing in a subway with a prayer cloth draped nonchalantly over her shoulders and it reminded me of the appeal that shops that smelt of sandalwood and sold cheesecloth dresses had when I was about ten.

9.Semi-sheer black tights with a reinforced toe. Suspend disbelief and reconsider that idea.

10. Prince circa "Purple Rain". Fuck it, Prince anytime. I'm not even going to say anything else about him. I don't need to. If you can't tell that this is a praise rather than a critique, there is no hope for you.

Images: I place the two Kate girls side by side to further their embarrassment; Patti Smith makes man-hair and a headband look sexy; Francoise with the coveted fringe; The purple sex dwarf.

A VERY SAD POST INDEED

“[Style achieves] Sex. A husband. Admiration. Self-esteem. Confidence. Fun. You can have so much fun playing with bits of jewellery. It’s fun to look at someone looking good” – Isabella Blow in The Cheap Date Guide To Style

I think it’s only fair to post regarding the untimely death of a fashion icon. Isabella Blow, who sadly died yesterday at the age of 48, had succeeded in turning herself into something akin to a graphic piece of fashion iconography, her retro maquillage and neat skirt suits as instantly recognisable as the flash of red on the sole of a Louboutin. Quite apart from her much-trumpeted eye for fashion discoveries, she knew the power of “actressing” as a way of dressing; she often chose her look by imagining that she was Wallis Simpson, the elegant woman who Prince Edward abdicated for in 1936. Also worthy of a mention is the fact that she was once photographed wearing a hat whch spelt out “BLOW” in flimsy white letters, which is sort of tenuously rude and yet appropriate and wonderful.

MOLLY & LOLA.

Images: Isabella Blow - now visiting the great milliner in the sky; her beloved Wallis Simpson.

Kate Moss for Topshop

So, launch day has rolled around already.

The hoardes came, but weren't quite as huge as we had all led to expect. Kate made a brief appearance from behind some glass, and the label tells me i can expect "looks from future seasons". The label lies.

I didn't brave oxford street this morning, but i did check out what my local store had to offer by way of miss moss's designs. What I found was a puny rail of exceedingly poorly cut clothes which looked like they were from three seasons ago. They included, I kid you not, a shimmery gold floor length skirt. I'll just allow that to sink in a moment.

Admittedly, I did buy a black waistcoat and two vests, but the cut on the waistcoat is a bit odd and I got it out of desperate need for a masculine edge to the myriad dresses I have for summer.

In conclusion, unless you are a fashion designer, your line for a high street shop is likely to be poor, because you will, as it looks like kate has done, look in your wardrobe one afternoon and think "this'll do", and then sketch it on the back of a napkin to give to phillip green.

SLEEP WITH COMMON PEOPLE

Imagine my horror when a couple of days ago I found myself invited to a party with a 90s theme.

Quite honestly I can't think of a more abhorrent decade as far as fashion trends go - skirts over trousers, bumbags, rave, the ubiquitous scrunchie, the trend for wearing all-over-denim ushered in by B*Witched and the popularity of shellsuits. Britney "Hit Me Baby One More Time" Spears is currently a bloated, fag-toting mess, lightly powdered with a mixture of Cheeto dust and class As and weighing in, the cover of Heat magazine proclaims, at (gasp!)"over ten stone" - to me, this fall from grace is emblematic of what should have happened to the decade itself, but then what do I know? Try telling that, for instance, to Christopher Kane.

Yes, Christopher Kane, the current darling of the British fashion industry and the man single-handedly responsible for suggestion that women mummify themselves in body-hugging neon bandages. Also responsible, in part, for the fact that Topshop - who carried his concession line a few months ago - now have a collection called "Pop", offering is fluro hotpants, white denim and t-shirts screaming "SAVE THE RAVE!". Incidentally I can't be the only one who noticed that when the sickeningly talented Gareth Pugh was the enfant terrible of London Fashion Week for all of twenty minutes we weren't subjected to an "S&M RULES OK" collage on Topshop.com full of leather, vinyl and, um, balloons (and more's the pity, because I would have bought five of everything). I can't also be alone in realising that your average women, when wrapped in a flourescent tourniquet which barely covers her arse, looks not unlike The Mummy Returns as re-envisaged by Flava Flav. I am willing to admit that last year I did visit Dover Street Market and buy a House Of Holland t-shirt - yes, before they appeared in Elle and that - if only to point out that I bought "UHU GARETH PUGH" rather than the bile-green "CUM AGAIN, CHRISTOPHER KANE" because yes, I was genuinely interested in giving a shoutout to "Gazza" and his balloon animal chic.

"A SARCASTIC THANKYOU FOR BRINGING NINETIES RAVE FASHION BACK INTO VOGUE AGAIN, CHRISTOPHER KANE."

Images: Neon arse from Christopher Kane; Pierrot nightmares from Gareth Pugh; The nudey photograph by Toyin has absolutely nothing to do with the matter at hand, but I thought we all needed to calm down. An exercise: imagine coming home to find this lanky streak of perfection crawling around in your sheets. Any anxieties about bumbags becoming en Vogue should melt away.

Ug Bet

There are two things going against Betty Suarez as a fashion icon, as well as the fact that she doesn't really exist.

Firstly, she is meant to be UGLY! Come on, it's in the title.

And secondly, if she wasn't ugly, we wouldn't love her as much! But she HAS managed to channel some covetable and very 'this season' looks.

1. Untamed brows. The catwalks were full of them! A warning on this one though; DO NOT STOP PLUCKING ALTOGETHER. YOU SHOULD STILL HAVE TWO DISTINCT EYEBROWS.

2. Plaid. Betty wears lots, and it sure looks cute in a shirt.

3. Peter Pan collars. These work on everyone, this is something even lola and me agree on.

4. Colour on colour. I love this, and sometimes it looks better when it is ever so slightly 'off', colours which just might go.

And you know, that puffy coat just might remind me of the Prada parka...

I HIT HIM BACK WITH MY PET RAT

ANOTHER LIST BY LOLA, AGED 19 2/8

1. There is no better accessory than a well-dressed man; Anita Pallenberg knew this when she famously encouraged Keith Richards to wear her clothes. Whether or not you change him as often as you change your shoes is entirely up to you.

2. Taking inspiration from non-fashion photographs puts an interesting spin on your style, whether it’s the way an elderly woman wears her headscarf in a Bruce Gilden snapshot or, in the case of the boyfriend, a tattoo of Lenin in a Russian documentary piece.Don't ask.

3. Wearing black is more chic than ever in light of this shitty nu-rave revival. Imagine Karl Lagerfeld wearing Cassette Playa. Disgusting.

4. Look at charity shop windows when you’re on the bus and you’re sure to spot the new love of your life. However, be warned – what might look like a dead ringer for a 2.55 when you’re moving past at 35 miles an hour might turn out to be a greying clutch from Mark One with a cigarette burn up close.

5. Apparently deliberately messy hair, plaid shirts and grubby second-hand boots are now synonymous with teenagers whose parents have boats. I learnt this at art school. Whether or not you want to cultivate this image is entirely up to you.

6. At some stage you will look at photographs of yourself as a child and think “I looked more stylish at ten than I do now”. Perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate the merits of matching your dungarees with your shoes.

7. When buying mannish trousers, buy them two sizes too big and belt them tightly at the waist. It looks very Patti Smith meets lesbian from the 30s and yesterday the boyfriend dubbed it “Raunchy”.

8. Cigarette holders are genuinely cool. Fuck off.

9. Watch the film “Breathless” by Jean Luc Goddard. Jean Seberg’s delightfully short hair will make you reach for the clippers and you will never again underestimate the power of Breton stripes. That goes for men too.

10. Those studded leather biker gloves with no fingers look fantastic with rolled-up sleeves. Stop laughing and fuck off to Camden market, I’m serious.




Images:Der Kaiser; Jean Seberg and her difficult crop; Corey Kennedy displays “I’m not moneyed, honest!” to a tee.